My Wellness Journey
Steps along the journey
SAY WHAT????
About 10 years ago I was at a doctor’s appointment. I was complaining that I was tired all the time. My hair was thinning, and I just couldn’t lose weight. The answer was, “Your thyroid tests look fine, but you are fat and that’s why you are tired. I’ll write a referral to a dermatologist to see about your hair. Oh, and by the way did you notice you have lumps in your neck?” Excuse me, “WHAT? Hell no. What lumps?” My doctor suggested I make an appointment with the endocrinologist in his office, which I did.
I had no idea what was going on except that I had a nagging feeling it might have something to do with my thyroid even though my tests always were in a normal range. Who knows if he even did the right tests? I had asked for years about my thyroid as I was “weight-loss resistant” and exhausted to the point where sometimes coming home from work at 5PM, I would have to pull over to the side of the road to sleep before continuing my commute. I would go to the car to sleep during Little League games, high school shows, ceremonies and anything where I might not have been missed while sleeping in the car. My thyroid “numbers” were never a concern to any doctor who saw the results.
All those years of yo-yo dieting and feeling like it was my fault and that I was stupid or lazy. And here, for the first time, maybe, just maybe, it was NOT my fault.
The endocrinologist did an antibody test and announced that I had Hashimoto’s disease. I had never heard of it and the doctor's reaction was, “We’ll just watch you.” I did get a biopsy done at that point as well as an ultrasound just to confirm that the nodules were “nothing to worry about” (i.e., not cancer). When I asked the endocrinologist whether I needed medication, his answer was, “We’ll just watch you and if the thyroid stops working, we’ll deal with it.” No explanation about Hashimoto’s. I left his office feeling doomed about some awful disease I knew nothing about. That stopped right there. I was not going to allow myself to be an ignorant victim of circumstance. I was too smart and too determined to be that way.
Googling and googling for answers
I started combing the internet for anything I could find. I learned that Hashimoto’s disease is an autoimmune condition. Up to that point I never even heard the words "autoimmune condition" and had no idea what it was. I learned that gluten would aggravate autoimmune conditions. I learned that Hashimoto's "sits" at the thyroid so that the thyroid can continue to function – it's almost an overlay and can affect thyroid function, or not – and that it might take years before it affects the functioning of the thyroid.
Then from there I Googled "gluten-free" and learned about that. The first thing I read was Dr. William Davis's Wheat Belly. Then I Googled "How does a thyroid function, even with Hashimoto's disease?" I found the book Stop the Thyroid Madness by Dr. Janie Bowthorpe, as well as the accompanying website by the same name.
Then I Googled "Find doctors who encourage gluten-free eating." From there I learned about functional medicine and how functional medicine lab result ranges are entirely different from those of conventional medicine lab-result ranges.
I Googled and Googled and Googled until I found functional medicine doctors in my area who were taking patients and my insurance. I made an appointment and when I walked into their offices, I knew I had arrived where I needed to be, especially when I saw they had a stack of Wheat Belly books for sale to their patients. It was a practice with functional doctors who specialized in many different areas of medicine. The beauty of functional doctor intake appointments is that the doctor allows up to two hours to meet with the patient.
I almost cried as I poured out my heart about how I have been obese and exhausted, and got nothing but blame from my doctors for being lazy, unable to follow diets and that I was, by implication, stupid and lazy. The doctor prescribed a multitude of blood tests including food-sensitivity tests. When I went back for my next appointment, she told me that I did, indeed, have an under-active thyroid (as per functional medicine ranges) and that my weight-loss resistance and exhaustion had a basis in fact, not in innuendos. I never went back to my primary care doctor nor the endocrinologist who stated, "When your thyroid dies, we'll deal with it." Because the practice was so inclusive, I also chose to see an OB/GYN and an orthopedist in the same practice. I never looked back.
My journey started with Paleo and an elimination diet
The nutritionist on staff started me on an elimination diet based on Paleo. I worked with a functional nutritionist in the practice who guided me into a Paleo way of eating. In addition to being gluten-free, the Paleo lifestyle is all natural and whole foods. This way of eating wasn’t a stretch for me and my husband because this is the way we naturally eat. In addition, at this point, both my children were out of the house and on their own, so there was no excuse for buying snack packs of this or that or for using shortcuts to make meals and pack lunches. I fully absorbed the Paleo way of eating, and also learned about, and incorporated, Primal (very similar with a few differences). My husband was totally on board except he continued to have his bread.
I stayed with Paleo for years, but I never lost weight. This included doing a very dedicated Whole 30 program, totally eliminating dairy and artificial sweeteners. For me, that meant no coffee – which I will only take with cream and sweetener – a real commitment, believe me. Again, no weight loss. I would go back for periodic appointments with the functional doctors and nutritionists, and I believe they were secretly rolling their eyes when I insisted that I was not straying – not even one bite – from the Paleo food plan.
Trying Intuitive Eating
I was so distraught that, at one point, I signed up for a wonderful program, Dr. Michelle May’s Mindful Eating, thinking again, that it was my weakness that was causing the inability to lose weight. I loved the program, and actually do use the mindful practices I learned, but unfortunately it teaches moderation. As I had learned later, my success more often comes from abstention not moderation.
Eventually I strayed from everything I had learned from my functional doctors and the Mindful Eating program. At that point I went through another two to three rounds of Weight Watchers. The last time I went to just one meeting and ended it there. I was so hungry I almost chewed my face off on my commute home. I sat and cried and started looking up psychologists who dealt with food addiction.
I did see a social worker who was vetted by Tribole and Resch’s Intuitive Eating program. Through my work with him I came to believe that it was indeed possible that I couldn’t live in the world of moderation. Again, I believed it was all my fault. I believed I was damaged goods.
Opening my mind and finding Keto & Low Carb
During the summer of 2016, a friend of mine was telling me about the Atkins induction phase. I heard "no fruit" and was completely turned off. I'm not going there. Nope. Never. But I did, for the first time, start looking into what low carb means. I read Weight Loss Zen: An Attitude Adjustment Guide for Keto by Dixie Vogel. Then I read a book she recommended, Taking Out the Carbage by DJ Foodie, then a book that DJ Foodie recommended, Dr. Gundry’s Diet Evolution. I became a wee bit more open-minded. Then that same friend suggested Why we get fat and what to do about it by Gary Taubes, and the rest is history.
My lightbulb moment
Why we get fat and what to do about it changed my life. For the first time I realized it wasn't me. I wasn't being lazy, uncommitted or stupid. IT WAS THE FOOD. IT WAS THE HORMONES. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT (to a point, which I will discuss later)! I listened to the book on CD maybe 10 or more times, going over and over the very scientific parts about insulin and hormones, until I could understand every bit of it.
One passage meant more to me than any other: "So long as we believe that people get fat because they overeat, because they take in more calories than they expend, we're putting the ultimate blame on a mental state, a weakness of character, and we're leaving human biology out of the equation entirely. . . Do these authors wish to range obesity as a 'behavior problem' among psychiatric instead of metabolic diseases?"
Now, for the first time, I understood that the fruit salads, root vegetables and banana breads made with dates and honey were keeping me fat. The more I tried to be "good" by eating all those real foods instead of candy bars, the deeper I fell into obesity and metabolic disease.
Fatty liver, pre-diabetes and sheer exhaustion are not moral diseases, they are metabolic diseases. I am not lazy or stupid. I am metabolically damaged by the foods I thought were good for me. Of course, no diet recommends eating the entire banana bread or fruit bowl, and so I do not blame those diets entirely, whose intentions were good by recommending and supporting whole and good foods. However, this was a start for me, in that the food itself did not fuel endless hunger and cravings, a fact that ultimately helped me to change habits and my mindset.
I do not blame anyone for anything. I have forgiveness because they all – the books, the programs, the doctors – did what they knew to do. Now I know to do what I know to do for myself. I forgive myself too.
Sometimes it is more than the food
I do want to say that because of the years of developing neural pathways with eating certain foods (meaning, “See cookies? Eat.” “Bored? Eat.” “Upset? Eat.” etc.), I still needed to work on habits as much as I needed to work on changing my food choices. This is where I do give credit to the Mindful Eating and Intuitive Eating programs, and also to Gineen Roth’s work and others of that ilk. Although moderation was not the right path for me when I started Keto, I did learn to face and address many of my poor choices, habits and “head hunger.”
Many people do find success with eating very low carb (keto or not) just by changing the food that is being eaten. There is no longer the uncontrollable hunger that was due to the high presence of carbohydrates which stimulate the hunger hormones. But, if that person, like me, developed deep and ingrained habits because of that hormone hunger – like eating at night or never being able to have enough food to be satisfied for hours after a meal – it can be hard to change things even without eating the food that triggers hunger hormones.
There are also emotional components such as turning to food for years as a substitute for a full and happy life. Or sometimes a habit is just a habit, eating at the movies, while watching TV or joining a partner in a nightly bowl of ice cream.
Never go back to what broke you in the first place
Yes, there are keto and low carb substitutes for all those foods, but one of my favorite quotes (original source unknown but claimed by many) is: Never go back to what broke you in the first place. Personally, I still have problems controlling my eating when Keto cookies, breads, cakes and candy are involved. I have friends who do keto and are entirely satisfied with just one piece or one serving of these things, but for them it is just the food.
Incorporating low carb into my eating plan helps me tremendously, especially now that I understand how hormones work. I am not hungry all the time, so I am not just rooting around looking for food. However, my emotional baggage is such that sometimes I do have to stop and identify whether I am experiencing “head hunger” and habits or whether I am turning to food to avoid an emotion or activity. I wanted to share this with you so that if you find yourself in a similar situation, you will know that …
You are not damaged goods. You just need to be a touch more vigilant to stay on the path to well-being.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, My Wellness Journey, and I hope it will help you navigate your journey. Don't forget to subscribe to the mailing list (below) so that you don't miss the next blog!